roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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