I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
