On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I didn't notice because vodka
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
