Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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