I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
