What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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