I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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