We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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