So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
