I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
