got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Randomize
