it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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