I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
