just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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