Your face is a jimmy john
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize