he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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