in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize