i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
