All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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