I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
