She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize