In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
