it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
