Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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