I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Operation Purity has been aborted
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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