her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
