Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize