Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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