look no pants
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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