I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
