so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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