I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
