After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize