dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize