I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
