You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
