I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Fuck appropriateness.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
