Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
