Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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