What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
