i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
