I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
