my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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