I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
This baby is an asshole
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
BRING THE BAGELS
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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