my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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