You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
