1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
