I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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