I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
