remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
MIDGETS
????
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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