I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
