last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
