I met the friendliest cop last night
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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