Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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