If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize