listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
