she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
