I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
