wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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