Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize