I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
