Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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