so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Your penis caused this!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize