I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
