I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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